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The First Day
I was going to be sick.
I couldn't be sick.
The lift lurched to a halt and a couple of people got out, leaving me alone. I closed my eyes, swallowed, and wished it was the end of the day, not the start. It was first-day nerves and they would go, I told myself, once I'd got used to my new colleagues and the work on a murder squad, a team I couldn't believe I'd been asked to join.
I might even start to feel as if I deserved to be there.
The lift doors opened: third floor, and my stop. I glanced in the mirror on the way out: my hair was out of control and I was pale. It was nothing I could do anything about at that moment, not with a heavy cardboard box to carry. A cardboard box that I almost dropped as I shouldered the door open and stepped into the office.
A vastly overweight, elderly detective with a purple-toned complexion leaned back in his chair. ‘Steady on, love. Need a hand? Who is that lot for?'
‘It's mine. I can manage.' I scanned the room, not seeing any familiar faces or empty desks. ‘I'm Maeve Kerrigan. I'm joining the team.'
‘Are you indeed?' His forehead folded itself into a hundred wrinkles. ‘They said someone was coming up from Borough. They didn't say what you were like.'
‘And what's that?' I asked icily.
‘Young and lovely.' He beamed. ‘No offence, darling.'
‘None taken,' I lied. There was no point in complaining about it. He meant well.
I assumed.
He put out a hand. ‘Sam Prosser.'
I hefted the box, trying to free a hand, and he shook his head.
‘Sorry. You need a desk, don't you?'
‘That would help.'
‘There's one free over there.' He pointed.
I thanked him and hauled my box over to the desk. It was in the middle of the room, and I felt highly exposed as I started to unpack. Most of the eyes on me were friendly. Some were openly hostile. All were male. I'd known I was going to be the only woman on the team, but I hadn't realised how that was going to feel.
‘Ah, Maeve. You're here.' Superintendent Godley stopped beside me, coffee in hand. ‘We'll have an office meeting in five minutes. I'll introduce you to everyone.'
‘Great,' I said, flustered, and watched him disappear into his office. I wished I'd told him not to bother. I wanted to blend in, not stand out.
I came back to my desk after the meeting with my head spinning from all I'd tried to take in about the cases that were current in the department. I was still blushing from Godley's welcome speech. He'd been far too nice about me, and had gone on for too long. My desk was empty apart from a cardboard folder. My first case. I picked it up and started to leaf through the contents, feeling the glow of excitement dim and fade away altogether after the first few images. Women. Dead women. Or rather, parts of them – close-ups of violation and degradation and torture. They were crime-scene and autopsy pictures, from countless different cases, and as a collection they were offensive beyond belief.
I flipped through to the end, not hurrying, hoping that my face didn't betray what I was feeling. Just before I got to the last page I glanced up, and caught a couple of men watching me from the other side of the room. One was lanky and balding, though he wasn't much older than me. He had been grinning like a chimp but he ducked his head and turned away when he realised he'd been spotted. The short, fat detective beside him kept staring, though, as if he was challenging me to react. I'd noticed him glowering at me in the briefing room. And he'd been standing near the door. I closed the folder and walked across the office to where he sat.
‘I think you left your folder on my desk.'
His eyes travelled up and down my body. ‘Not me.'
‘I think it was.' I opened the folder again, and found a picture of a torso that had been recovered from water. ‘That one's nice. Is that your favourite?'
He shrugged. ‘Does it bother you?'
‘Not as much as you'd hoped it would.' I tilted the folder so the contents slid out and scattered all over the floor. ‘Silly me.'
He dropped to his knees and began to rake them together, swearing under his breath. They had gone a long way, sliding on the thin brown carpet, as far as the door to Godley's office, which explained his panic. His colleagues – my colleagues – turned to watch as he crawled around gathering them up. A broad, gravel-voiced detective grinned.
‘Dropped your wank book, have you, Belcott?'
Belcott glared.
I leaned down so only he could hear me. ‘That was funny. Next time, don't bother. I'm not going to have hysterics over a few pictures.'
‘How does it feel to be making up the numbers? You're only here so Godley can tick that box on the equality survey.'
‘Wrong. I'm here to do my job. Get used to it or get stuffed.'
I turned and stalked away before he could answer, leaving him grovelling on the floor. I was shaking from suppressed tension, hurt and anger, emotion that was threatening to come out in tears. I couldn't allow him the satisfaction. I went straight past my desk and out through the double-doors to the corridor, where I collided with a tall, dark man in a suit.
‘Easy, tiger.'
‘Sorry.' I was acutely conscious of the tears in my eyes. I cleared my throat. ‘Going too fast for my own good.'
‘Where are you going?'
‘I was looking for the kitchen.'
He grinned. ‘That is a reason to hurry. It's definitely time for a cuppa. Come on, I'll show you.'
I followed him down the corridor, feeling the ache in my throat lessen. I appreciated his tact since he couldn't have missed how upset I had been. By the time we reached the kitchen, I was approaching normal.
‘I'm Maeve Kerrigan.'
‘I know. I was in the briefing.' He filled the kettle. ‘Rob Langton. Welcome to the team.'
‘Thanks.'
Without looking at me, he said, ‘You'll be all right, you know. They'll get used to having a woman around eventually. The novelty will wear off. Even Belcott will come to terms with it soon.'
‘Can't happen soon enough for me.'
‘I bet. So where were you before?'
Normal conversation. Thank God.
Rob made tea, we talked about work things and by the time I got back to my desk I was prepared to accept that not all of my new team were hateful chauvinist pricks. Feeling more like I could cope, I put the mug beside my keyboard and sat down. I was still aware of being watched, but I was getting used to it. Before I could even switch my computer on the door to Godley's office opened. He came straight across to my desk.
‘I've got a job for you, Maeve. Get your stuff together and let's go.'
So I went.
And that was the start of everything.
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